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The trap of anxious-avoidant attachment in relationships. Discover your attachment style! Understanding anxious-avoidant attachment style, attachment theory and secure relationships.

Attachment style in relationships: Why anxious-avoidant partners often clash and how avoidant partners or anxious people can overcome their fear of commitment and form secure attachments

Some couples are stuck in a painful pattern: one partner seeks closeness, the other withdraws – the rubber band phenomenon. Attachment theory offers valuable explanations here. But often, the simple division into "clingy" and "wall-building" partners falls short.

What it's all about:

·         Why anxious people and avoidant partners actually suffer from the same fear of attachment,

·         How understanding this dynamic – especially the anxious-avoidant mixed type – helps to break old patterns.

·         Why attachment styles are more than just behaviours, and

·         How can a secure basis for a happy partnership be created?

1. What determines our attachment style, and what role do early caregivers play in this?

Modern psychology and couples therapy rely heavily on the findings of John Bowlby, the founder of attachment theory. He recognised that the way we interact with our caregivers as children forms a blueprint for all later relationships in adulthood. Our attachment style is therefore not an unchangeable fate, but a learned pattern of adaptation to the emotional availability of our parents. If they responded sensitively and reliably, we usually developed a secure attachment. However, if the response was inconsistent, dismissive, or even threatening, we had to develop strategies to secure the emotional connection.

We carry these early strategies with us into our partnerships. A partner who turns their back on us during an argument today often unconsciously activates precisely those old feelings of abandonment or overwhelm that we felt as children. It is essential to understand that attachment styles can be flexible. There are usually four main types: secure, insecure-anxious, insecure-avoidant and disorganised (or anxious-avoidant). In our practice, we see that understanding your own attachment style and your partner's relationship style is the first step towards no longer reacting unthinkingly to old triggers.

However, it is simplistic to look only at behaviour. From a depth psychological perspective, it is not just about closeness and distance, but about the fundamental question of our right to exist in the presence of the other person. People who are attached often seek the answer to the question "Am I lovable?" in the other person. Depending on how our caregivers answered this question, we now project our hopes and fears onto our partner.

2. Why are anxiously attached and avoidant partners so often magically attracted to each other?

It often seems like a cruel joke of nature: people with an anxious attachment style fall in love with people with an avoidant attachment style at an above-average rate. This is often referred to as the "anxious-avoidant attachment trap. Why does this happen? On a subconscious level, these two relationship types confirm each other's worldview. Deep down, the anxious person believes: "I have to fight for love; it won't be given to me willingly." Through their distancing, the avoidant partner provides them with precisely the scenario they know – they have to fight.

Conversely, the avoidant partner believes: "Closeness is dangerous and suffocating; people want to take away my freedom." The anxiously attached partner confirms this by staging this possessiveness precisely through phone calls, questions and emotional pressure. Both attachment styles thus dance a dance that validates their innermost beliefs. They project their primal fears onto their partner. Both have a fear of attachment, but it manifests itself in diametrically opposite ways.

But there is a deeper, structural level. As we mentioned at the beginning, anxious and avoidant are not just opposites, but solutions to the same problem: uncertainty about the other person's desires. The partner remains a mystery. The anxious person tries to solve the mystery through control and closeness, the avoidant person through avoidance and escape. Both are unable to tolerate uncertainty in a relaxed manner, as securely attached people can.

3. How does fear of commitment manifest itself in the inner experience of a relationship?

For anxious people, a relationship is often a permanent state of alert. Their attachment system is hyperactive. This means that they constantly scan their partner for signs of withdrawal or rejection. An unanswered phone call, a sighing glance or a brief silence are immediately interpreted as a threat: "He/she doesn't love me anymore." Anxiously attached people often have difficulty calming themselves down. They need co-regulation from the other person.

An insatiable thirst for validation and intimacy characterises their inner experience. Paradoxically, however, this behaviour often leads them to sabotage themselves. The fear of rejection is so great that they try to force a reaction through "protest behaviour" (accusations, crying, clinging). They want to feel their partner, even if it is through an argument. The main thing is that the connection is not broken.

It is often overlooked that anxiously attached people can be very empathetic and caring. Their antennae for moods are finely tuned. The problem arises when they make their own needs entirely dependent on their partner's reaction. They only feel secure when their partner is close by and sending positive signals. If these are not forthcoming, their world collapses.

4. Is the insecure-avoidant attachment style really just a desire for independence?

The insecure-avoidant attachment style is often misunderstood as emotional coldness or pure selfishness. Avoidant partners usually emphasise their high value on autonomy and freedom. But from a depth psychological perspective, this independence is often a protective wall. People with an avoidant attachment style have usually learned in their history that their needs for closeness are not met or that closeness is associated with pain and possessiveness.

To avoid feeling this pain again, they "deactivate" their attachment system. They disconnect from their own feelings of neediness. When a partner gets too close, they feel pressured and withdraw. They often idealise self-sufficiency: "I don't need anyone." But this is a defensive attitude. Avoidance serves to protect oneself from the other person's supposed flooding.

In a relationship, the avoidant partner often seems dismissive when emotions run high. They rationalise away feelings or escape into work and hobbies. However, studies show that even avoidant-attached people experience an increase in physiological stress markers when their partner leaves them – they don't outwardly show it. Their fear of attachment is the fear of losing themselves in the merger.

5. What does it mean to understand the anxious-avoidant partner or to live an anxious-avoidant attachment style?

The anxious-avoidant attachment style (also called disorganised) is perhaps the most painful of the attachment styles. People with this style carry both impulses: a strong desire for closeness (like the anxiously attached) and a panic-stricken fear of it (like the avoidantly attached). For them, their partner is both a source of security and a source of fear. This often leads to behaviour that seems unpredictable and ambivalent to the other person.

Understanding the anxious-avoidant attachment style means recognising that it is often based on more profound trauma or neglect. In childhood, the caregiver may have been frightening or helpless themselves. The child was caught in a dilemma: "I have to go to my mother to find protection, but my mother is the danger." In adult relationships, this leads to a "come here – go away" pattern. As soon as intimacy develops, fear takes over, and they push their partner away. When they are alone, the fear of loneliness sets in, prompting them to bring their partner back.

It is challenging for anxious-avoidant people to build trust. They do not feel safe in any position – neither close nor distant. Maintaining relationships becomes a struggle. But this is precisely where healing is possible, if one understands that this chaos was a response to an unsolvable situation in the past.

6. Why are anxious and avoidant attachment styles actually two sides of the same coin?

Let's return to the structural perspective mentioned at the beginning. At first glance, the anxious and avoidant styles seem to be opposites. One wants in, the other wants out. But this is deceptive. Both attachment styles attempt to control the fundamental uncertainty in love. Neither the anxiously attached nor the avoidantly attached person can leave the question "What do you want from me?" open.

The anxious partner tries to dispel the uncertainty by constantly forcing the other to prove their love. They want absolute certainty through fusion. The avoidant partner tries to dispel uncertainty by denying the other person's importance. They want absolute certainty through separation. In both cases, there is a lack of confidence that everything is "okay, even if the status of the relationship is not 100% clear at the moment.

Both are insecure. Both are afraid of genuine encounters, making them vulnerable. The fearful-avoidant type feels this dilemma most acutely, as they switch between strategies. When couples realise they are basically "in the same boat" and are both just trying to save their own skin, it can evoke a great deal of compassion. The "cold" partner is actually fearful; the "clingy" partner is actually looking for structure.

7. How does the attachment system react when we are triggered, and old wounds are reopened?

Our attachment system is a biological emergency mechanism. When we don't feel safe in a relationship, the amygdala (the brain’s fear centre) takes over. Rational thinking becomes difficult. When an anxious person is triggered (e.g. their partner doesn't respond), adrenaline floods the body. The urge to make contact becomes a survival instinct.

For the avoidant partner, the trigger (e.g. emotional demands) often leads to a shutdown. They easily dissociate or go into emotional "shutdown". Their system tells them: "Playing dead is safer than fighting." When an anxious person meets an avoidant person, these biological programmes escalate. The more one pushes, the more the other shuts down.

This behaviour pattern is highly stable and difficult to break as long as it remains unconscious. The partner's behaviour is not seen as a protective mechanism, but as an attack or lack of love. To develop healthier relationships, couples must learn to stop this "dance" as soon as the attachment system sounds the alarm and only communicate again once tempers have calmed.

8. What makes the securely attached relationship type different, and what can we learn from it in terms of intimacy?

Securely attached people are not immune to relationship problems, but they deal with them differently. Their attachment style allows them to trust that their partner is benevolent, even in conflict. They don't need to know what the other person is thinking right away to feel secure. They have an inner "object constancy" – the feeling of connection remains, even when there is physical or emotional distance.

A secure partner is neither infected by the fear of their anxious partner nor unsettled by the withdrawal of their avoidant partner. They provide a stable foundation. Securely attached people communicate their needs directly, without manipulating (as anxious people often do) or putting up walls (as avoidant people do). They can flexibly regulate closeness and distance.

The good news is that it is possible to 'mature'. Through a relationship with a securely attached partner or through therapy, insecurely attached people can learn to internalise this security. This is called 'acquired secure attachment'. The goal is to give your partner security without giving up yourself.

9. How can we create more fulfilling relationships through clear communication and understanding?

The key to change lies in communicating about the structure, not the content, of the argument. Instead of discussing who didn't take out the rubbish, couples should talk about their attachment styles. Clear communication here means showing your own vulnerability without attacking the other person.

An anxious partner could learn to say, "I'm feeling insecure right now, and my head is telling me stories that you're leaving me. I need some reassurance, not an argument." An avoidant partner could say, "I realise that this conversation is too much for me right now and I feel the urge to run away. I need a 20-minute break, then I'll be back."

Such open conversations break through the automatic responses. It's about giving the other person a "user manual" for your own attachment system. When the avoidant partner understands that the other person's pressure is actually panic, and the anxious partner understands that the other person's withdrawal is self-protection, space is created for more fulfilling relationships. Setting boundaries is also part of this: the anxious partner must learn to respect the other's limits, and the avoidant partner must learn to communicate their boundaries instead of simply disappearing.

10. What steps lead from an insecure dynamic to greater relationship satisfaction?

The path to greater relationship satisfaction takes work, but it is worth it. As a couples therapist, I often recommend the following steps:

Recognition: Identify your own attachment style and your partner’s attachment style. Are you anxious, avoidant or even anxious-avoidant?

Stop signal: Agree on a code word when you notice yourself slipping into the old relationship pattern of chasing and fleeing.

Reality check: Examine your beliefs. Does silence really mean rejection? Does closeness really mean a loss of freedom?

Self-care: Anxious people need to learn to give themselves support. Avoidant people need to know how to take the risk of intimacy and closeness in small doses.

Patience: An insecure-avoidant attachment style or a deep fear of commitment does not disappear overnight.

Finally, professional help can be crucial. At our practice in Berlin, we support couples and individuals in overcoming their fear of rejection and building a secure attachment. Because in the end, we all want the same thing: to be seen and loved for who we are.

The most important points in brief

Attachment styles are solutions, not mistakes: Whether anxious or avoidant, your behaviour is an attempt to deal with the uncertainty of love.

The fatal dance: Anxious people and avoidant partners are attracted to each other because they (unconsciously) find confirmation of their inner fears in the other person.

Structural similarity: Both attachment styles share a fear of losing control, but use opposite strategies (clinging vs. walling off).

Anxious-avoidant: People with an anxious-avoidant style suffer particularly because they seek closeness and fear it at the same time.

The path to security: A secure attachment develops when we learn to tolerate the gap of not knowing and to maintain clear communication about our fears, desires and needs.

Healing is possible: Through reflection, new experiences and, if necessary, therapy, everyone can learn to have more fulfilling relationships.

The comprehensive bonding encyclopaedia: answers to all your questions (FAQ)

There are many myths, rules and fears circulating on the internet about attachment. Based on the most frequent search queries (and the questions from your mind map), we have compiled detailed answers that go beyond mere buzzwords and shed light on the topic’s psychological depth.

1. About the nature of the avoidant attachment style

What do avoidant people find attractive? / Who is attracted to an anxious-avoidant type? Paradoxically, avoidant people are often attracted to anxious partners. Why? Because they take on the emotional "work". Structurally speaking, however, they usually seek the "phantom": the unattainable partner or ex-partner, as these do not pose a real threat of being taken over in the here and now. An anxious-avoidant (disorganised) type often attracts partners who also have traumatic backgrounds or are unstable, as calm and stability feel "foreign" or boring to them.

Who is the best partner for an avoidant person? Theoretically, the best partner is a securely attached person who gives the avoidant person space without taking their withdrawal personally. This person does not exert emotional pressure, but remains reliably present. This slowly teaches the avoidant person that closeness does not mean "imprisonment".

Are avoidant people happy as singles? Often yes, at least superficially. They value their autonomy and feel relieved not to have to live up to someone else's expectations ("Che Vuoi?"). In the long term, however, many report feelings of emptiness or loneliness, as the basic human need for connection is suppressed.

What hurts an avoidant person the most? / Why do avoidant people feel attacked? Nothing hurts and triggers an avoidant person more than criticism of their independence or emotional overload (drama, tears, accusations). They feel attacked because they experience these demands as an existential threat to their ego boundaries. They think "wrong" or "defective" when they cannot meet their partner's emotional needs.

Do avoiders hate kissing? / What is the love language of avoiders? No, avoiders do not hate kissing per se. But kissing is a very intimate form of merging. During phases of "deactivation" (withdrawal), physical closeness can feel overwhelming. Their love language is often acts of service (doing things) or quality time (spending time together doing activities), rather than words of affirmation (profound expressions of love), as words often feel binding to them.

Do avoiders lie a lot? Not maliciously. But they tend to "lie by omission". To avoid conflict or protect their autonomy, they often conceal needs, plans or feelings. It is a protective mechanism, not malicious intent.

Are avoidants obsessed with their ex? Yes, very often. This is called the "phantom ex phenomenon". The ex-partner is safe because they are far away. You can idealise them and long for them without taking the risk of real intimacy. It's a way of having feelings without having to get involved with someone who is there now.

What is the "avoidant passive son"? This often refers to a family constellation (according to family therapy) in which a son behaves passively-avoidantly to escape being taken over by an overbearing mother or a dominant father. He learns to fly "under the radar.

What does a healed, dismissive-avoidant person look like? A healed avoidant does not suddenly become clingy. They remain autonomous, but they:

Communicates their need for retreat before disappearing.

Can accept help.

They allow themselves to be vulnerable without fear of losing themselves.

2. The dark side: "toxic" patterns, trauma and health

Which attachment style is the most unhealthy/toxic? In psychology, we avoid the word "toxic. But the disorganised (anxious-avoidant) style is the most painful for those affected and their partners, as it creates chaos and unpredictability. It correlates most strongly with psychological stress.

Which attachment style is the most difficult to love? That is subjective. Many find the avoidant style difficult to love because it is like running into a wall. Others find the anxious style exhausting because it seems like a bottomless pit. Objectively, "difficult" is the dynamic when there is no insight.

What mental illnesses/traumas are associated with this?

Anxious attachment: Often correlates with anxiety disorders and depression.

Avoidant attachment: Can be associated with narcissistic traits or compulsive personality traits.

Anxious-avoidant: Often associated with complex PTSD (cPTSD), borderline personality disorder or dissociation.

What childhood trauma causes avoidant attachment? Often emotional neglect. The child learned: "When I cry, no one comes. So I stop crying and take care of myself."

Are avoidant people mentally ill? No, an attachment style is not an illness, but a pattern of adaptation. However, it can take on pathological traits (personality disorder) if the behaviour is highly rigid and causes psychological distress.

Which attachment style is most prone to suicide? Studies suggest that people with anxious and particularly disorganised attachment are at higher risk of suicidality, as they are often overwhelmed by feelings of hopelessness and abandonment.

Which attachment style is the most manipulative / which do narcissists have? Narcissists almost always have an avoidant or disorganised background (lack of genuine self-esteem). However, manipulation can be found everywhere: the anxious person manipulates through guilt ("If you loved me, you would ..."), the avoidant person through silence and withdrawal.

Which attachment style tends towards infidelity and promiscuity? There are two extremes here: avoidant individuals often use sex to release tension without intimacy (sex without love). Anxious individuals sometimes use sex to buy closeness or gain validation.

Which star sign is the master of manipulation? As a psychological practice in Berlin, we do not rely on astrology. Manipulation is a question of psychological structure and maturity, not date of birth.

Which attachment style thinks too much (overthinking) / shares too much (oversharing)? This is classic of the anxious attachment style. Constant brooding ("What did he mean?") and the quick disclosure of intimate details serve to create a sense of closeness and artificially bind the fear.

What are the seven characteristics of avoidant personality disorder? This is a clinical diagnosis (anxious-avoidant personality disorder according to ICD-10/DSM-5), which differs from pure attachment style. Characteristics include:

Constant tension and anxiety.

Conviction of being socially awkward or inferior.

Worry about being criticised or rejected in social situations.

Avoidance of activities that require extensive interpersonal contact.

Limited ability to form relationships due to fear of embarrassment.

3. Dating rules, myths and relationship wisdom

You will find many "rules" online. Here is the psychological classification:

What is the 70/30 rule in a relationship? The idea that you spend 70% of your time together and 30% apart (or vice versa). Psychologically, there is no fixed quota. What is important is the quality of the connection, not the stopwatch.

What is the 3-kiss rule / 3-6-9 rule / 777 rule in dating? These are popular TikTok/internet trends (e.g. "sex after the third date", "a crisis every seven years", etc.). Please forget these rigid rules. Every couple has its own pace. Pressure from rules only exacerbates insecure attachment styles.

When do most couples break up? Statistically speaking, years 1–2 (end of infatuation) and the "unlucky 7th year" are critical. Attachment dynamics often escalate when the rose-tinted glasses come off, and real autonomy needs (avoidants) collide with attachment needs (anxious types).

What are the 3 Cs of intimacy? Often mentioned: communication, compromise, commitment.

What are the 5 A's of intimacy? Attention, Affection, Appreciation, Acceptance, Allowing. These concepts help couples actively work on their relationship.

4. What really helps? (Gottman & Co.)

What is the Gottman method for couples’ communication? John Gottman is one of the most influential researchers on couples. His method is based on friendship and conflict management. For anxious-avoidant couples, the concept of "bids for connection" is fundamental. When one partner smiles or says something, does the other turn towards or away from them? Secure couples turn towards each other.

What is the strongest form of intimacy? It is not sex. It is emotional nakedness: the feeling of being able to show the other person your deepest fears and feelings of shame without being judged, but being held. This is the opposite of "fear of the other's desire" – it is trust in the other's desire.

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